Four things you should not forgive while dating

 So you are back into the dating world or have been there for a while. What are some of the things that you feel are a deal breaker? What would make you leave and never think of coming back? Most times, i have found that giving advice to people is easier than giving it to yourself. So let me do you the favor of stating out the few things i think should not forgive especially in the dating stage.

1. Physical abuse

“Do not put up with mistreatment. If you allow yourself to be mistreated, you will be.” —Unknown

If there is something that i have learned about people who physically abuse you is that they never change. The day he/she raises a hand to hit you is the day that you walk and keep walking not to look back. Normally, it  will be followed by excuses and at some point the abuser will try to blame you for their actions. They will then treat you extra ordinarily well and you will think that maybe they are a good person and you are the reason they hit you. The cycle will continue and before you know it, you have a kid or two who will also need therapy with you on the day it dawns to you that you do not deserve to be hit. It is not your fault that he is violent. It is always wise to leave before they 'mistakenly' kill you.

Leaving when it first happens is the best choice that you can make for yourself. There will be less physical and emotional scars. If  you are willing to read, go look for the book by Colleen Hoover 'It ends with us'. I really do hope that you will find the courage to choose yourself and walk away.

domestic violence

 2. Verbal Abuse

I have sat and thought about verbal abuse so many times. In the beginning, when your partner says something bad about you, you brain knows not to believe it. However, as time goes by, you slowly start looking at yourself in comparison with what they say about you. You will start thinking maybe you are too fat, maybe the color of your teeth is awful. No matter how hard you fight it, that small voice in your head will always take you back to the mirror. The bad thing about this kind of abuse, it leaves no physical marks but the wounds inside will take so long to heal. At some point you will find yourself craving to hear nice words from your partner but they won't come unless they want something from you. The moment you learn that your partner is verbally abusive and they do not change even after calling them out, call  me up to help you pack your bags. You are beautiful. You are enough and you deserve peace. You deserve a person who says beautiful words to you too. There is someone out there just for you.

verbal abuse

3. Emotional abuse

This is the form abuse that will have you thinking that maybe you are tripping. It will leave you wondering if this how all relationships are. One moment you are crying, the other moment you think you are going crazy. I cannot write enough on emotional abuse. It piles up little by little and by the time you realize it, you are suicidal. People mostly downplay emotional abuse especially in the African setting. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest one to explain to others. The abuser will capitalize on the small things that they know will hurt you most. They will then label you as crazy and too sensitive. It takes a very keen eye to notice emotional abuse especially during the dating stage. If you note repetitive cases of being labelled as a 'cry' baby, you are probably being emotionally abused.

I believe in walking away at the earliest stages of a relationship. As i have stated before, there is less damage done .

“Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept. (..) Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.”
― Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Emotional abuse

4. Cheating

The madness in the current society makes it seem normal that every other person is cheating in whatever relationship they are in. In the dating stage, it is very easy to leave. I am assuming there are no kids involved, no shared assets, no formal papers. If a person has the guts to cheat on you when they are dating you, imagine what will happen when you get married. It is okay to walk away. Marrying him will not change him, neither will getting a baby with  him.  Just walk away when you can. In marriage it is a different story. Don't wait to get to this side to realize that you deserve better and that they know exactly what they are doing.

cheating

I would love to keep going on what issues not to forgive during dating but then there are things that can be worked on if the your partner is willing. It is hard to find true love but it is harder to get hurt in pursuit of it. Remember you are your own true love and if you allow them to you like trash, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Do not forget to leave the table where disrespect is being served. Pick yourself over and over again over anyone. I really do hope you find true love.

Leave a comment on the things that you think should not be forgiven while still in the dating stage.